Half tempted to jump in my car and head to Toronto for the evening. I had thought about it last night and disregarded it as I already had tenative plans set for this evening. A few buddies of mine have been wanting to get together and it has been a matter of freeing up some time to do it. My schedule is fairly open at the moment, but with one of my friends from this group who is working on their Masters, the efects of full time work and full time school can be exhausting. I completely understand all of that business and respect that they chose instead to take care of themself. When the timing is right, we will all chill over some beer, good food and laughs.

I am a bit antsy this evening. Part of me wanting to call friends over for a gathering, or seek out some social interaction (offers are a plenty, but not feeling any of it) and part of me just wanting to read. My brain is bouncing with ideas and making connections. Its operating extremely well right now and the need to feed it is pulling me in. So if that is the case, I would do well with going with whatever direction I feel drawn to.-- and let everything else go. There is time and place for everything else.

and for things that can not be attended to until Monday- I need to drop it from my mind. It will be taken care of then, with ease. so..

let it go let it go let it go..

gone.

ok, I'm totally open; unless something comes up, comes to me, I am staying in. I look forward to reading for a few hours followed by a movie- comedy, ofcourse!

Friday evening is looking good to me.

stay warm!

the wind is freaking me out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you hear it??

I made sure to put all of my storm widnows down. I could see one curtain moving--and realized that the window wasnt latched so that didn't help. Now its good.

I made a curtain for my kitchen window. It has frogs on it.

I have some plastic to put up soon.. I don't trust my abilities in this task. I know something will get plastic on it, hopefully it makes it onto the windows and stays up.

Is it getting warmer out there? Is that why its crazy windy? yikes!

Last I looked it was a clear night-- lots of stars. and cold. brrrrrr

Oooh, I finished putting out Christmas decorations. It had been two years since I did anything Christmas decorating-wise. Before that, it was only on occasion. In the past, i have put up decorations only to take them down a day or so later!!-- not being fully satisfied with the results. I am much better at keeping it for the duration of the holiday. I have also chilled out a lot in the past 5 years. Now I feel a little too laid back at times. Anyway, i am glad I put the tree up and a few other decorations-- perhaps it will help put me in the mood. i should start shopping-- instead of waiting till Christmas weekend. I am just trying to do things different in every aspect this year...

I made myself stay in this evening as I, well, had nowhere to go. haha. Actually, still feeling icky (but not worse than yesterday) I left work an hour early to come home to crash. I was getting so crazy silly at work that I needed to leave. Well that and the dizziness. Not sure if it was the mega dosing of Airborne tablets or just the way I get sometimes when I am sick-- but I had this manic energy. heh, maybe I am entering into a manic stage-- that would be nice. I get soooo much accomplished!

So I didn't exactly crash when I came home-- but it was good to be home a little bit earlier than usual. I am laying low to make sure I don't get sick. I think by tomorrow I should be much better *hopes*

onto other news:
Freak-o Stalker guy callled me. I had just thought yesterday that I had not heard from him in what seemed like a long time. I check my answering machine today, and there was a non-message/hang up. So I check the caller ID. It was him. Thats his calling card-- the never leaving a message. guh! I don't answer and tell him to f*@# off because that will just encourage him--I know, I have tried...

thinking about bundling up and taking myself and my camera on an excursion tomorrow. Depends on how I feel. Might just have to be a lazy ass. or if I am crazy-silly manic, I need to take full advantage of that too :)

Time to take my night time Airborne and get some more sleep. I just read (e:libertad) 's post about having some tea--you must get the Yogi!!! Now I want a cup of that myself. Not sure if I should combine that with the AIrborne, though.

see ya later, peeps!

Not much has changed since yesterday- I still hate my schedule. So much I want to do and not enough time, balance or energy to pursue. So I know I have to work harder work smarter at getting things to be the way I want them. Thats me. I need to find better alignment-- and that will happen, with time and process. However, I need to make sure not too much time goes by-- it is easy to get comfortable and allow for things to pass by. With this schedule and constraints, I would hate for life to pass by. I am currently uncomfortable, because there is stong pyschological dissonance, and I am fighting the urge to give in- to accept what is and go with it. It would be easier, yes? But that isn't me. So I will continue to do a damn good job, build morale and do as much moving and shaking that I can do w/o being fired, but then once things are up and running and I have identified a successor, then I know, without a doubt, my job is done.

While I go through all of that, I plan my next move. I have a few avenues that I can take if I so desire. Due to my wacked schedule, time is essential. I visualize what I want-- and begin to make it happen. Ive been stuck for a few months--creativity stalled (see.. i was afraid of creative amputation through forced regimented thinking and regulation adherences)--but I have been trying to kick start the process again. Have been using brainstorming as a mental and creative warm up. I always encourage people to dream big-- then use the energy and identified goals to make it happen..

I had mentioned in my last post that my dreams would be my repreive. It may have been more true than I intended. As I dozed off last night, my residual thoughts formed a great idea, brilliant maybe*. Just something that I needed to get me energized. It was kind of eureka moment. One that I forced myself to wake up and go write it down for fear of forgetting. The remainder of the night was spent further formulating the logistics surounding the idea. My brain was busy thinking all of this through while I was alseep. It was active enough to where I felt tired all day. Or maybe I am catching a cold-- lots of germs and sickness these past few days.

Anyway, I kept thinking about it all day and I could feel the smile on my face at times- it definitely put a bounce in my step.

I feel closer to where I need to be than I have in awhile- all i needed was something to mentally grasp and work towards. Just need to lay out the details.. and bring it to fruition.

I need to go to bed early tonight. If it is germs-- then good sleep and a dose of Airborne is required.

btw, I had a haircut on Saturday. The last few haircuts I mentioned in here and it has since helped me to remember to go get trims- very helpful.

• I am vague about job and future endeavors for paranoid reasons,lol.

So I write mostly to get some residual crap off my mind.

funny how love works. or doesn't work.

the things you learn about yourself

the things you unlearn

it all seems so grand, yet it is all so basic.

for some its easy

for others its hard

some people want it, but don't get it

others get too much of it, but don't want it-

Feelings.

they really are a driving force. even if you have them locked and well guarded.. they are still there.

and when they break out of their cell, it is mayhem--and control is lost...

is this the result of answering old questions,

or answering new ones?



I do not know.



I do reccommend tossing the key and seeing what happens-- the good, the bad, the ugly-- it is a part of the sensual life. Without it, it is all mechanical- easy, contolled and safe.


now if I would just follow my own advice, yes?









btw, thanks for sharing:?

I have seen this before. True or not, I am enjoying its logic tonight.

WATER
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we
are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

WINE
We do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka,
beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation
process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop

WINE = HEALTH
FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK WINE

It is better to drink wine and talk shit than it is to drink water
and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am
doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart.

Onto other news:

• enjoying many of the loose teas that I purchased at Orange Cat cafe (Lewiston, NY) Supporting the local business..

• worked on various projects in my Y-Town home. Last weekend I secluded myself from everyone and spent some serious time thinking- no distractions. This weekend, I have taken some of what I concluded from last weekend and began acting upon it. Multiple things going on, its good to do them from one place. I also made "chili" and cleaned. Feeling rather good and relaxed.

• spent time with (e:pyrcedgrrl) - lots of good convo and venting. Thanks.

• spent time with mon mere this evening. A lot of excellent conversation. Good mother/daughter stuff. I filled her in on the future direction of me. Prior to her leaving, she thanked me for it. I had a quizzical expression on my face and she replied that, "sometimes you are... unreachable".

It isn't on purpose-- I just live in side my head. It is easy for me to take in all of the information, but I don't share the output. Sometimes you just have to ask. It may throw me off, I may get flustered but I will articulate, eventually. I can talk about anything-- except myself.- the inner working of my mind. Well, some people can pull my thoughts out..

but I retreat easily.

Anyway, my mom is amzaingly smart,, perceptive and very much in the know.

I noticed that she still has the (e:strip) bumper sticker that I placed on her car over the summer. She wasnt going to keep it on there, but she has. cute. As of recently, she finally owns her first computer-- but still does not have online access. Where she lives, she can not get DSL. I doubt she would spring for cable. I see dial-up in her future. eek.

• enjoyed a bit of a French lesson this evening as well. I am always open to trying new things. Learning another language to the point of being able to effectively use and understand it, is on my "to do" list. As always, when I am conversing with someone who is originally from another continent, it is intriging to learn about them in a way that is different than learning about,say, the neighbors.

• I must make a shopping trip to Comp USA and Best Buy. I still need to fondle cameras and I am looking for a better web cam/microphone.

• I have the munchies but nothing to munch on. The thing about Y-town is that there aren't any stores open past 9/10 pm. I suppose its a good thing as I don't need to munch on anything at this moment..

no, wait.. I have Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp! sweet.

Hope all is well
Carey